


Tyler never liked crowds

by snogboxinbakerstreet



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Best Friends, Blurryface, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, My First Fanfic, Panic Attacks, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, just very dramatic oooo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 14:46:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5669791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snogboxinbakerstreet/pseuds/snogboxinbakerstreet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had just finished a show, showered and gotten ready for a rare night out. They usually didn’t party whilst on tour, but this was a special occasion. It was Tyler’s birthday. The crew had managed to get hold of another one of the floral kimonos from forever 21, (His last one had ripped during a show and was beyond repair.) and given it to him after the show. He was now wearing it along with his floral vans, black skinny jeans and a t-shirt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tyler never liked crowds

Tyler never liked crowds. He didn’t mind performing for a crowd or meeting people, but when he was in the crowd things went downhill. Josh was the opposite, he had anxiety and found it hard to be in front of a crowd, unless he was behind his drums of course. That’s why Tyler always did most of the talking, but when they were a part of the crowd Josh couldn’t step in for Tyler. Being in a crowd held to many distractions and he always felt more alone and vulnerable.  
They had just finished a show, showered and gotten ready for a rare night out. They usually didn’t party whilst on tour, but this was a special occasion. It was Tyler’s birthday. The crew had managed to get hold of another one of the floral kimonos from forever 21, (His last one had ripped during a show and was beyond repair.) and given it to him after the show. He was now wearing it along with his floral vans, black skinny jeans and a t-shirt.

  
There was a knock on the door and Tyler hurried excitedly over. He knew it was Josh that had come to pick him up. He opened the door and immediately did a twirl so the kimono stood out behind him. He kept going until he was so dizzy he had to stop. They were both laughing as Tyler steadied himself on the door. Tyler noticed that Josh’s hands were behind his back. He stretched his neck trying to see and Josh laughed bringing out a box he’d obviously wrapped himself (with floral wrapping paper, Tyler noted).  
Tyler took the present and shook it. Nothing. He looked up at Josh quizzically. Josh was grinning. Tyler ripped the present open and lifted the lid of the box. Inside was a pair of floral boxershorts, a pair of floral round sunglasses, a floral beanie, a floral shirt, a pair of floral trousers and last, but not least, a pair of floral socks. “Now you can truly become your inner flowerchild” Josh laughed. Tyler gave him a jokingly stern look as he entered the bathroom to get changed. He came back out minutes later covered in flowers from head to toe and grinning. “ready” he exclaimed and Josh offered him his arm and led him out of the hotel.

  
Out on the parking lot was the entire crew and they all started cheering when they saw Tyler in his get up. Tyler set to bowing theatrically as Josh laughed and cheered along with the others. Everybody got into cars and they drove to a destination still unknown to Tyler. After about fifteen minutes the car slowed to a halt outside the tallest building in the area and Josh escorted Tyler out of the car. They ended up alone in the elevator on their way to the top floor. Tyler looked at Josh and grinned thanking him for a lovely evening. “it hasn’t even begun yet” Josh teased just as the elevator stopped and the doors opened.

  
The entire top floor was lit solely by hundreds of fairy lights, and Tyler couldn’t help but let out a bit of a squeal at the sight. As they left the elevator Can’t help falling in love began playing over the speakers. Tyler turned around to look at Josh who already held out his hand inviting him to dance. They went out on the dancefloor by the bar and slow danced to the song, Tyler’s head resting on Josh’s shoulder. Tyler would’ve closed his eyes but the sun was setting over the city and with all the lights it was simply to beautiful. The song ended way too soon, but the next one was House of gold and they both started to headbang furiously as the rest of the crowd began coming out of the elevator. Before the song was over, there was at least 19 more people headbanging along with them.

The party continued and everybody was having a great time. Then, as the clock hit nine, the elevator doors opened once again, the music stopped and everybody froze. Spilling out of the doors were Taco Bell delivery boys and girls with so much food Tyler thought he might pass out just from looking at it. Now the party had really started!  
As Tyler stuffed another taco into his mouth the bartender came and offered him a “special birthday drink” Tyler eyed it suspiciously, sauce dribbling down his chin. “It’s fine” Josh assured him “It’s my personal recipe.” They both rarely drank alcohol, especially Tyler who had never experienced a hangover, but he decided to trust Josh and took the drink. He fought down the rest of his taco and took a sip. “OH MY GAWD!” he said before downing the rest of it. “IT TASTES LIKE REDBULL!”

  
Within the hour, he’d had three more and was starting to feel a little hazy. He and Josh were dancing again, it was some sort of Ed Sheeran/Celine Dion/The Killers song, he really had no idea. There was one thing on his mind and that was Josh shimmying with a fierceness Tyler couldn’t help but admire before he toppled over, laughing. As the song ended they made their way back to the bar and ordered another drink, he was coming to like the way it affected them both. They continued dancing and Tyler started feeling brave, “next round’s on me” he shouted over the music, “tequila shots for everybody!” “You know it goes straight on someone else’s bill right?” Josh half whispered, half kissed into his ear. “Let me live, Joshua!” Tyler slurred back as he stumbled towards the bar.

  
Tequila shots were already being lined up and he downed two, laughing as Josh squirmed at the burn. “C’mon it’s no worse than mouthwash,” he giggled. “You don’t drink mouthwash,” Josh croaked. People were starting to flock around them, all wanting to take part in “Tyler’s” round. Josh and Tyler were practically lying on top of each other laughing at Josh’s hoarse voice when the extra alcohol hit Tyler. “…fuck…” he murmured no longer laughing. “What?” Josh asked, still giddy. “Fuck!” Tyler repeated and Josh stopped smiling. Something was very wrong. “Shit” Tyler said lifting his hands to squeeze his head. “Shit, shit, shit, shit.” He started pushing people away to get out of the huge crowd now huddling around the bar all the while cursing under his breath.

  
Josh desperately tried to follow knowing that his friend needed him, cursing himself for getting so drunk when Tyler for once decided to drink. In front of him, he could see Tyler starting to twitch and constantly looking around him, just as he did in the show. Except now it was different, in the show it was a way for Tyler to express what he’d felt whilst writing the songs, now it was real. Josh had only seen Tyler like this a few times before. Once was when Tyler had called him in the middle of the night, voice soar, quietly begging him to come over. Josh had come as fast as he could, luckily Tyler had given him a spare key. When he’d entered the house he’d heard Tyler in the upstairs bathroom, sobbing and begging someone to stop.

  
That was the first time Josh had met Blurry, he had always known Tyler had been through some stuff, but never knew how serious it could get. He’d ran to the door and found it locked. It had taken him almost thirty minutes to chase Blurry away from outside the door, and get Tyler to open it. Upon seeing his friend he almost wished he hadn’t. Almost! Tyler had been covered in blood. His own blood, seeping out from slits all over his body, and he had been twitching, just like now.

  
Tyler was out of the crowd and running. Running without knowing where. To the bathroom, he thought and took a quick turn. Too quick. He wasn’t used to his mind like this, all out of focus. He’d been laughing with Josh about something he no longer could remember, when he’d felt it. Him. There was a reason he stayed away from alcohol and he hated himself for forgetting it. All the time, every single second of every single fucking day he fought it. Him. Now he’d just thrown it away. All that hard work. How fucking stupid could he be. He fell, hitting his head on the ground, not taking time to check if it hurt he just got up and kept running.

  
It had felt good, letting go. Not having to worry about Blurry for a while. Now he realised Blurry had just been waiting, waiting to make sure Tyler had no chance to fight back. He felt it now. Slowly creeping further along his skin, choking him. As he crashed through the door to the bathroom, he felt tears stinging his eyes and things got even blurrier. He chuckled spitefully at the horrid irony of it, but a sob caught in his throat and interrupted him. Then he heard him…

  
_What a pity, poor little Tyler, who’s been so good, so strong, fighting his demons and blah, blah, blah._

  
Another sob escaped Tyler’s lips as he slowly backed up against the wall. Feeling the fear manifest throughout his body.

  
_Did you miss me, sweetheart? No? Well, that’s not much of a surprise, after all I never left you, did I?_

  
Tyler was numb. Staring at his hands, desperately trying to remember how he’d dealt with Blurry before.

  
_Don’t you worry, not even for a second, you haven’t forgotten a thing. You never dealt with me, remember, you just got used to pretending._

  
Tyler’s back hit the wall and with that came the feeling of being trapped, except it wasn’t the room around him that held him captive, it was Blurry turning his own body, his own mind into a prison he never could escape.

  
Y _ou’re a brave little one, aren’t you? Drinking like this, thinking you won’t lose the little control you have._

  
He pressed his hands over his ears, as if that would protect him, as if Blurry was outside of him.

  
_You know, I’ve seen the songs you’ve written about me, about us. Didn’t your mom ever teach you to not say anything unless you hAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY?!_

  
Tyler slid to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably and squeezing his head so hard it hurt.

  
_And Tyler, have you heard about the seven deadly sins? You have? You know that sin means wrong, or fuck up, or why do you even bother you useless, worthless piece of nothing! You know that right, Tyler. You would never forget something like that would you? In that case I have a few more questions for you._

  
Tyler was clawing at his skin, trying to get out of it, escape it, feel something normal, something strong, he was hoping to draw blood.

  
_WHO_

  
Red started seeping from his arm, his fingers felt thick, under his fingernails were skin and blood. He kept clawing.

  
_THE_

  
Reality caught up to him, and he looked at his arm and the blood now beginning to drip onto the floor. He started to hyperventilate and dug his fingernails into his scalp trying to regain some control.

  
_HELL_

  
He had begun shaking violently, his sobs tearing through him.

  
_DO_

  
He banged his head against the tiled wall.

  
_YOU_

  
He lost control, his hands were now tearing up whatever they could get a hold of, mainly that was his own body.

  
_THINK_

  
He was fighting a full-blown panic attack, Blurry would not stop screaming, he was drunk, terrified, and bleeding and he had no way of stopping any of it!

  
_TYLER!_

  
**_TYLER!_**

  
TYLER!

  
“TYLER! What happened? Are you okay?” Josh didn’t even know why he asked. Tyler was not okay. Anyone could’ve seen that. His best friend was huddled up in a corner of the big, luxurious bathroom, shaking. His fingers were red with blood and attacking the rest of his body, which was already bleeding in several places. There were tears streaming down his cheeks, and somehow he was hyperventilating and sobbing at the same time. Josh couldn’t believe how quickly it had gone. Sure enough he’d fallen a couple of times, and as a result lost track of Tyler and having to search for him, but… Josh interrupted his own train of thought, what was he thinking, Tyler was on the other side of the room losing his mind and he was just standing there. He rushed over and took a firm hold around Tyler’s wrists, not in any way expecting the reaction it caused. Tyler started writhing and screaming manically, so much that Josh had to let go.

  
Blurryface had taken hold of Tyler, he was certain. He had felt cold fingers wrapping around his wrists trying to stop him from fighting back, but he’d scared Blurry away without even having to open his eyes. A twisted pride, fuelled by fear, grew inside of him. “Tyler!” he heard. Was Blurry trying to trick him? “Tyler, can you hear me? You need to stop fighting or I won’t be able to help you. Please, Tyler, you have to let me help you!” It wasn’t Blurry it was Josh! “Tyler, put your hands on the wall.” Tyler obeyed, he trusted Josh. He felt cold fingers again, but this time they didn’t grip his wrists, the cold fingers slid over his palms and intertwined with his own. Clutching his hands, firmly, but reassuringly.

  
Tyler had recognized his voice. Josh breathed out a sigh of relief as the tears stopped rolling down Tyler’s cheeks. He got Tyler to put his hands against the wall, Josh didn’t know if he was aware of what he was doing with them seconds earlier, and slowly slid his hands into the other mans, carefully bringing them down to rest at his sides. Tyler was still panicking, but Josh knew how to deal with that, he used to have panic attacks every day before he met Tyler. He still had them, just not as frequently and Tyler usually comforted him so they didn’t really last that long either. Now he just hoped that Tyler was able to push Blurry away, so that he could calm down and talk to him about it. He wanted to say sorry for not taking into account why Tyler never had been drunk.

  
He helped Tyler with his breathing and made sure to keep talking. Tyler didn’t open his eyes, not for a long time. Not when his breathing calmed down, not when the shaking had softened, not even when the tears started rolling down his cheeks again and he hugged Josh tighter than ever before. He didn’t open his eyes until he’d stopped bleeding and Josh had helped him to the sink to wash of the dried blood. Until Josh said “There, good as new” and threw away the last paper towel covered in blood. Then he opened his eyes and saw the last of the red water, coloured by his own blood, drain out of the sink. “Home” he croaked in a hoarse voice and neither of them laughed.

  
Josh could see that Tyler was exhausted and, naturally, still quite shaken from the episode, but Tyler insisted on walking back to the hotel. They took the stairs back down and Tyler slid his hand against the rough, concrete wall the whole way, savouring the tingly feeling on his fingertips. If felt as if he’d been playing his ukulele for hours on end, something he found very comforting, and it felt different from the rest of him. The rest of him felt battered and beaten, his fingers were still his own, still under his control he thought as he drummed them against the wall.

  
The street was practically empty and they both took a moment to appreciate the colder air and muted silence that now surrounded them. They could still hear faint music from the rooftop, but somehow, down here, in nothing but each other’s company they were untouchable. Josh was still admiring the peace around them when he noticed Tyler looking around. He felt his stomach starting to drop, thinking Blurry was back, before he realized Tyler was just trying to figure out which direction the hotel was in.  
“Here” Josh said and they began walking back. They walked in silence for almost ten blocks. Tyler’s mind was blank, but also working overdrive. He had no words, couldn’t form a single sentence. He knew he had to thank Josh, not because he expected it, he had to thank Josh because that was the only thought he had managed to grab hold of. The only thought that made sense, but he didn’t know the words. "Thank you" seemed wrong, unimportant, and empty. Instead, he slipped his hand into Josh’s, still staring at the ground in front of him. He wasn’t shy, he just wanted Josh to know. Know that nothing of this was his fault. Then it hit him like a brick, Josh would’ve blamed himself. He was still probably going over the night, ticking of every little thing he thought he’d done wrong. Thinking he was ignorant, a fool, and a horrible friend. When really he was the best friend Tyler could ever have.

  
Josh wasn’t like anybody else. Every single person that knew about Blurry was terrified of Tyler “relapsing” as they had come to calling it. Of course Tyler loved them, they weren’t doing anything wrong or trying to hurt him. It was just that Josh trusted him. He trusted that Tyler would be able to handle things for himself, and if one day he couldn’t he just gave him a hand. Tyler squeezed his best friend’s hand now looking up to meet his eyes. He’d been right. Josh hadn’t even noticed, he squeezed again and Josh looked up. “Sorry, I was just thinking” he muttered apologetically. “Josh” Tyler’s voice was no more than a whisper “thank you!” The words rolled of his tongue suddenly being the only thing that felt right. “Thank you so much! You saved me back there.” “I wouldn’t have had to save you had I not put you in that situation in the first place!” Josh blurted out, his voice loaded with all the thoughts and fears that had been running through his head.

  
“You didn’t do this, Josh. You gave me one of the best birthdays of my life, and I happened to lose control for a moment, that’s in no way your fault and it never will be either. Okay.” “You didn’t see what I saw, Tyler! You didn’t see your best friend, crying, bleeding and screaming in a bathroom. I have never seen you like that. Usually you have some sort of control, but this time… I mean, just look at yourself, look at your stomach!” Tyler lifted up his shirt, only now noticing the dark bloodstains amongst the flowers. He looked at his stomach and felt it twisting. There were four deep lines crossing it and there were red scratches covering his chest, as if he’d tried to claw his heart and lungs out. He could see lose bits of skin on the sides of each of the four lines. He’d torn himself apart without even noticing. He hadn’t even noticed after! Tyler started breathing heavier, examining every inch of visible skin, and finding more and more scratches. There was a lump in his throat choking him, again. It wasn’t Blurry this time, this time it was Tyler and Tyler alone. He began to back up not knowing to where to or away from what. He had lost control, that moment of pride he’d experienced earlier hadn’t been his own, it had been Blurry’s.

  
He felt his mind slipping and heard Josh’s voice a million miles away. Josh had snapped his mouth shut the moment he saw Tyler’s body tense with fear. He should never have told him, or explained it carefully or just done something else than what he’d done. He’d thrown Tyler over the cliff, into the void. Actually lifted him up and thrown him. Tyler was now backing away again. Josh could see the terror in his eyes. Tyler kept backing away from him and into the road. Josh began screaming, frozen in place, he couldn’t move a muscle. So he screamed. Not knowing what words, just knowing that he had to get Tyler to snap out of it. He heard a car. It was coming too close too fast. Tyler was in the middle of the road, losing it. The car was now heading straight for Tyler and he had no idea. Suddenly Josh was anything but frozen, he was running.

  
Tyler saw the car before he heard it only seconds away, heading straight for him, unfaltering. The fear he felt switched off and he was once again numb, petrified, he feared dying. Strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him right as the car hit him, throwing him to the pavement.

  
The car flew by, without Tyler plastered to its front. He didn’t know how it had happened he just thanked God it had. He laid his head back on the pavement, breathing out, smiling as he remembered the fear. He feared dying. He feared dying more than anything else. He feared dying so much that he’d snapped out of it. He laughed loudly, adrenaline pumping through him. He feared dying and he wasn’t dead. He looked over at Josh who lay beside him, still panting, and as their eyes met they laughed. Both relishing the fact that they were still alive.

  
When the high subsided, they agreed to take a taxi the rest of the way. Both now more exhausted than ever. They entered Tyler’s hotel room silently agreeing that neither of them should be alone just yet. They weren’t really drunk anymore, the adrenaline had taken care of that, but still a bit tipsy. Because of Tyler’s birthday they’d gone all out and gotten big hotel rooms with a fireplace and everything. They threw themselves on the couch and just relaxed for a moment before Tyler stood back up again, almost demonstratively. He took of his kimono and folded it neatly. Josh saw that the beanie had disappeared over the course of the night, but didn’t really care. He was just happy they both were safe.

  
Tyler ripped his shirt open without bothering to open a single button. “I love you man, but don’t you think that’s taking it a bit far in one night. I know it’s your birthday and all, but I don’t know if I’m ready to take that step with you.” Josh joked. Tyler smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. He was too focused on what he was about to do, it felt important. “Can I burn this?” he asked holding up the torn shirt. “go ahead”. Josh looked at Tyler as he got a lighter from the mantelpiece and set the floral shirt ablaze. As the flames licked across the fabric the bloodstains became more visible. Tyler didn’t mind, he just kept staring at the shirt slowly being turned to ash. It almost felt like a ritual.

  
Later that night Josh excused himself, he had to go get his actual gift for Tyler. It didn’t take long, but Tyler noticed that his friend had gotten considerably more squeamish in the few minutes it had taken him to get the envelope he now was handing Tyler. “what is it?” Tyler asked examining the blank envelope. It was lightly crumpled where Josh’s now clammy hands had been clutching it. “Just open it” Josh said, he didn’t really sound excited.

  
Tyler opened the envelope and pulled out the single sheet of paper in it. He folded it out slowly, sensing that this was something meaningful. The sheet of paper itself was pristine. Josh had put an obvious effort into making it look just right. On the paper, Josh had carefully written out, in black ink creating a stark contrast, the lyrics to a song. In the bottom right corner it said “written by: Joshua Dun”

  
“you wrote this?” Tyler said incredulously. He knew Josh was talented, hell he had a much better singing voice than Tyler, but this, this was amazing! “do you like it?” Josh asked. “Josh, are you kidding me? This is incredible. Can we please have this on our next album?” “You really think people will like it?” Josh still didn’t sound sure. “Off course they’ll like it, they’re gonna love it! Can we start now?” Tyler couldn’t contain his excitement. “Yeah, sure” Josh laughed, finally getting that Tyler was being sincere.

  
They didn’t stop playing until they could see the sun rise over the city the next day. Too tired and happy to be bothered getting to his own room, both Tyler and Josh collapsed on Tyler’s bed. “happy birthday” Josh murmured already half asleep. Tyler began singing softly to himself, Josh joining in as he remembered a substantial lack of birthday songs the previous night. “I owe you cake” he said squinting up at Tyler who was still humming. Tyler just dragged his hand over Josh’s face, too tired to speak, getting Josh’s spit on his hand. “shhhh” he said before wiping his hand on Josh’s sleeve and falling asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to get some feedback if you have any:)


End file.
